Got Love?

So I've been reading through the book of Job. It's given me a lot to think about to say the least!

As I've read Job's "friends" responses to Job's crisis I have felt a little uncomfortable to say the least. Not because they're harsh (which they are) but because I see myself in them.

Job's friends cling so tightly to the idea that God is just that they spend chapters telling Job that he must have sin in his life to deserve all this "punishment" and if he would just confess it then everything would be fine. And in the end they end up being the unrighteous ones.

I'm realizing that there are times in my life when I have chosen, and would choose, my little theological boxes over love for a friend. Not necessarily the same one as Job's infamous friends but I have little beliefs, doctrines, that I hold tightly. They keep my faith safe and tidy, black and white.

The older I get the more I realize how un-"black and white" the world is. There is so much gray. When a friend is living in the gray I can't stay in the black and white and still love because I feel this impulse to pull them into my "black and white" boxes. Then I can stay safe in my little faith world.

I'm realizing that this has just destroyed so many of my relationships. Oh I wish that love wasn't so scary, so gray. Oh Lord, teach me to love! To risk stepping out my little boxes, into the gray, to love a friend and realize that my boxes don't hold all the answers. May my faith and beliefs steady my love instead of constrain it. May I have such a knowledge and understanding of Your love for me that it simply overflows and holds me in the scary gray world.

Thank you, Lord, for entering my gray and loving me anyway. Spirit, teach me to love like that.
Amen.

Need More Time?

"Mom, we've been in here for 30 hours. When is the doctor coming?"

"Buddy, it's been seven minutes. Be patient."

My children's concept of time almost always makes me chuckle...or cringe. When we're waiting for something they think it's an eternity and when we're trying to hurry out the door they seem to think they have an eternity. I often wonder when they will really have a concept of time.

But then I also have to wonder if I have one.

"I would love to play a game with you. I just have to check my email. I'll be there in a minute." 6 emails, 5 blogs, 1 news article and 45 minutes later my kids are fighting and I'm frustrated that they can't get along. Oh yeah, and I've totally forgotten about that game I promised to play.

"I couldn't possibly volunteer to help with that (make a meal, serve in a ministry, watch someone's kids, etc). I'm way too busy."

And it's true, life is busy but how much of my busyness is actually necessary? How busy am I really? For some time I have thought about keeping a time log but I haven't actually done it because I know, deep down, that it would be way too convicting. It's easier to complain about not having enough time than to actually pay attention and use my time differently. Or maybe I need to view time differently altogether because the scary truth is that how I spend my time reveals what I truly value at the heart level.

Here are some questions to get at that inner world we all try to avoid by being "busy."

- Where do you spend your free time?

- In moments alone (like driving in your car with all the kids buckled in the back), what occupies your mind?

- If your peers were asked what mattered to you most, what would they say?

Sometimes the answers to those questions (if answered honestly) can be pretty enlightening. When I answer them I once again see my two idols of choice popping up, control and comfort. I make to do lists and plans while driving so that I can feel in control of my time and life. I spend my free time in different forms of escapism (usually reading other blogs (re: coveting others' gifts) or planning exotic vacations I can't afford). And time marches on while I live in the future forgetting about the now.

Now. This moment. The only one I'm promised. The only time I truly have.

"I have lived the runner, panting ahead in worry, pounding back in regrets, terrified to live in the present, because here-time ask me to do the hardest of all: just open wide and receive.... This is where God is." (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, pg. 69)

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Jesus, Matthew 6:34)

I often wonder why Jesus doesn't seem hurried, busy, in His ministry. He has time for children, for questions, for old women when young ones are dying, for prayer, for parties. He obviously understood something I don't.

In the Sermon on the Mount He seems to tie my treasure with my anxiety. (Read Matthew 6: 19 - 34, Luke 12: 13 - 34) Is that what busyness really is? Anxiety that I won't receive the thing I treasure? So I do more, work more, plan more, to try and ensure that I will receive the thing my heart most desires: control, money, security, social standing, comfort, quiet, peace, etc., etc.. But none of it will ever satisfy, I will always need more and the busyness continues until I run myself right into the ground.

What is Jesus' answer? "For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you." I need God and where do I find Him? Right here in this moment. Yahweh - I AM. Here. Now.

So how does that happen practically speaking, right?

1. Repent of things you worship/treasure more than God and ask Him to help you make Him your greatest treasure.

2. In Ann Voskamp's book she encourages keeping a gratitude list. Giving thanks to God in the moment for what IS.

3. Prioritize. "Life is not an emergency." Breathe and realize that not everything needs to be done in one day. In fact, some things need to be dropped and other things need to be picked up. Sometimes those are small things and sometimes they're big things. Example: blogs and emails can wait, playing a game with my kids cannot because one day I'm going to wake up and they're not going to be asking anymore.

4. Most of my time these days is spent in the car and I have found listening to sermons and books while I'm driving to be a great way to meet with God and keep focused on Him in the moment.

5. Laugh and enjoy life! A wise man once said, "there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in his toil - this is God's gift to man." (Ecclesiastes 3: 12-13) Invite some friends over for dinner, enjoy God's gifts and laugh!

Here is the truth:

"Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." (Luke 12: 32 - 34)

I have a kingdom, a loving Father and a treasure that will never fail for all eternity. Now that's a new view on time.

I have an eternity.