Yesterday was a hard day.
The kind of day when I have to remind myself to breathe, focus on slowing my heart rate and remind myself that I can't really implode....or explode. The kind of day where taking a shower is overwhelming and walking from the house to the car seems impossible. The kind of day when my weakness is made more evident and my thorn digs in deep. It was one of those days when panic and anxiety had it's way.
I hate weakness. I hate struggle. I'm a typical Type A, first born daughter who is capable and strong. I can organize events, make things happen and minister to others all while parenting my three sons (one with special needs), keep my house clean and tidy and make healthy dinners. It's a life driven by a need for control and power. Yup, that's me, self-sufficient...and prideful.
So, I have a thorn. An inner struggle that doesn't make sense and comes unannounced to sabotage my plans and remind me that I'm not really in control like I think I am. I hate it. I medicate it. But still it comes. Like Paul, I have pleaded desperately with the Lord to take it away. But I know He won't because it's His grace to me.
"...a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" (2 Cor. 12:7-9)
His grace reveals His sufficiency and my need. I have no where to go but to Him. I've tried to fix it, thinking that if I could just change the way I think. If I could just find the right relaxation techniques. If I could just tweak my schedule, my life, whatever, then it would go away. I could beat it. But none of those things is "the answer." He alone has the sufficiency for my need and the grace for my weakness. There's no where else to go.
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecution, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12: 9-10)
Other scriptures that have been working in my heart:
2 Cor. 3:5-6, 4:6-18
John 15:1-5
Phil. 3:3-4:1
Lamentations 3:21-24
Romans 8
