For when I need hope...

(I wrote this mostly for myself because I know that I will need to come back to it again and again.  You are free to listen in if you like.)

God -
My prayers today have been desperate, combined with many tears, because they are full of the brokenness, the struggle, the groaning in this world (Romans 8:22).  I have cried tears for people I know and people I don't know whose bodies are broken, whose children are gone, who will not find justice this side of heaven, who struggle to keep loving and keep giving.  For people struggling to make ends meet, for those hurting from long ago wounds, on and on and on it goes, and I need hope.  Hope that says "There is more, this is not it."  That You are present in all these things and are bringing it all somewhere.  That we won't just struggle through life and die and that's it.  My soul needs more than that.  I long for hope.  I was made for hope.  (Romans 8)

I don't always understand what You are doing.  I question Your goodness but like Peter said, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life"  I know I can't find hope outside of You.  You are the Author, the main character, the Savior, and the End of this story. 


We finished reading the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis to our boys this week and when we reached the end of the end, the last chapter in the Last Battle, "Farewell to the Shadowlands,"  I couldn't stop crying.  It was so beautiful and my soul longed to be there.  It sounded and felt like home, the very place I was created for.  

Listen:

"Isn't it wonderful?" said Lucy.  "Have you noticed one can't feel afraid, even if one wants to? Try it."
"By Jove, neither one can," said Eustace after he had tried." (pg. 216)  (No fear!  I can't even imagine what that will be like!)


"So they ran faster and faster till it was more like flying than running, and even the Eagle overhead was going no faster than they....  Only when they reached the very top did they slow up; that was because they found themselves facing great golden gates.  And for a moment none of them was bold enough to try if the gates would open.  They all felt just as they had felt about the fruit - "Dare we? Is it right? Can it be meant for us?" (pg. 219-220)


"The very first thing which struck everyone was that the place was far larger than it had seemed from outside.  But no one had time to think about that for people were coming up to meet the newcomers from every direction.  Everyone you had ever heard of (if you knew the history of those countries) seemed to be there....  And there was greeting and kissing and hand-shaking and old jokes revived...and the whole company moved forward to the center of the orchard." (Pg. 222-223)


"The light ahead was growing stronger. Lucy saw that a great series of many colored cliffs led up in front of them like a giant's staircase.  And then she forgot everything else, because Aslan himself was coming, leaping down from cliff to cliff like a living cataract of power and beauty....  Then Aslan turned to them and said: "You do not yet look so happy as I mean you to be."

'Lucy said, "We're so afraid of being sent away, Aslan...."

"No fear of that," said Aslan....  "The term is over: the holidays have begun.  The dream is ended: this is the morning."

And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them.  And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after.  But for them it was only the beginning of the real story.  All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."  (pg. 227-228)


Jesus, help me to remember.  This world is not the end.  This is:
"Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb through the middle of the street of the city; also on either side of the river, the tree of life with its twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit each month.  The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations.  No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him.  They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads.  And night will be no more.  They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever."  (Revelation 22:1-5)

Come, Lord Jesus.

When Discontentment Fuels Fear

Yesterday was a good day.  My boys played nicely in the basement all day together.  I actually had some time to myself so I decided to sit down with the old time waster (ie. the internet) and get caught up on the world of social media. Slowly, my good day began to sink.  Maybe it was the new house so and so built, or the weight that other person lost, but I'm pretty sure it was the Caribbean vacation photos that finally sunk my ship.

Boom.  Discontentment.

All of a sudden my lovely day was left wanting.  Wanting a Caribbean vacation.

So I visited travel site after travel site, looking for that magical cheap (free) vacation.  The more I searched, the more I realized it wasn't going to happen and I had this inexplicable sensation of fear.  What if I never get to see Cancun or St. Lucia or Anguilla?  Will my life really be complete if I don't?  My heart and the world says it won't.  My life will not be complete - discontentment.  And now I need it but I can't have it - fear.   Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO).

Fear that my life will be incomplete if I don't have or experience such and such.  The nice car/house, the perfect body, the exotic vacation, the right friends including me in the right things, obedient children.  A million big and little things that swarm around us constantly.  All those things my heart thinks it needs and can't get.  And the response is fear.

And when my fear is big, my God is small.

He can't, or won't, give me what I need.  What I think I need.  No, He gives me something much greater.  The problem is that it's quieter and not as visible.  It takes faith.

It's the treasure hidden in the field, the pearl of great value.

The One who calms the storm and walks on water.

The One who gives me purpose in this life and everlasting life in the next.

The One who loves me enough to give me the only thing I really need: Himself.

I'm always blown away by the disciples and the apostles after Jesus ascends into heaven.  They literally lay their lives down, suffer persecution of all kinds and still rejoice.  I think I need a Caribbean vacation to have joy.

Joy is right here, always present.  His name is Jesus.

"Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord." (Luke 2:10)

Self-Sufficiency, Thorns and Grace

Yesterday was a hard day.

The kind of day when I have to remind myself to breathe, focus on slowing my heart rate and remind myself that I can't really implode....or explode.  The kind of day where taking a shower is overwhelming and walking from the house to the car seems impossible.  The kind of day when my weakness is made more evident and my thorn digs in deep.  It was one of those days when panic and anxiety had it's way.

I hate weakness.  I hate struggle.  I'm a typical Type A, first born daughter who is capable and strong.  I can organize events, make things happen and minister to others all while parenting my three sons (one with special needs), keep my house clean and tidy and make healthy dinners.  It's a life driven by a need for control and power.  Yup, that's me, self-sufficient...and prideful.

So, I have a thorn. An inner struggle that doesn't make sense and comes unannounced to sabotage my plans and remind me that I'm not really in control like I think I am.  I hate it.  I medicate it.  But still it comes.  Like Paul, I have pleaded desperately with the Lord to take it away.  But I know He won't because it's His grace to me. 

"...a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" (2 Cor. 12:7-9)

His grace reveals His sufficiency and my need.  I have no where to go but to Him.  I've tried to fix it, thinking that if I could just change the way I think.  If I could just find the right relaxation techniques. If I could just tweak my schedule, my life, whatever, then it would go away.  I could beat it.  But none of those things is "the answer."  He alone has the sufficiency for my need and the grace for my weakness.  There's no where else to go.

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecution, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12: 9-10)

Other scriptures that have been working in my heart:
2 Cor. 3:5-6, 4:6-18
John 15:1-5
Phil. 3:3-4:1
Lamentations 3:21-24
Romans 8

How I ruined a trip to the Bahamas

Do you ever look back at a season in your life and wince?

I had that experience today.  It wasn't very pleasant.  In fact it gave me an upset stomach.

The fact is, God has been rooting up a lot of junk (sin) in my heart over the last couple years and as I look back on my life I see how those things impacted my life and my relationships...and it's not pretty.

There was a six to seven year season of life that forced a wince today.  It began my senior year of college, ran through my first years of marriage and motherhood and infiltrated the years that we lived in Kentucky.

They were years full of fear and jealousy that were covered with pride and control.

For example, when my roommate got engaged before me, I couldn't celebrate with her.  I wanted it to be me so I shunned her.

I screamed at my sister over the phone when she lived far away and I disagreed with one of her decisions, causing a deep rift for a long time.

I assumed leadership roles and thought I had something to give, never seeing that I had so much to learn.

But this is probably best seen in our trip to the Bahamas.

We were invited by some friends to travel with them to the Bahamas for a vacation when Nick was about 11 months old.  Sounded awesome so we eagerly agreed.  To be honest, I was jealous of these friends and their ability to travel and I was fearful that my lack of travel experience would show me lacking as a person so...I didn't ask some very important questions.

As a result we lost our luggage halfway there, missed a flight and on top of that our son spent the entire travel time throwing up on us as we tried to make our way through the Miami airport.  Nick had been so sick that I panicked when we finally arrived and insisted on seeing a doctor and then calling her every few hours even though he simply had a rough tummy bug.  I had so wanted these friends to like me and to think I was "cool" but I'm pretty sure they were happy to see us go at the end of our trip.

I was a jerk in that relationship.  Jealousy and fear smothered in pride and control does not make a good friend or travel companion.

I know that God always has his purposes for the things in our lives but sometimes I wish I could go back and handle things differently.  I wish I could see those experiences through different eyes, eyes of grace, love and humility.  I wonder what I'll think when I look back to 2014 ten years from now?  Scary thought!

It's such a beautiful thing that God never stops working in us, changing us, digging up the sin in our hearts so we don't stay where we are.  And on top of that he gives us grace even while we are in the midst of the mess and blesses us.  God is so good in the midst our failings and sin and when he opens our eyes to finally see them clearly.  We still talk about that trip and dream of going there again, except next time we will ask lots of questions.

PS: If you knew me during those years, I'm sorry.  Sorry that I chose fear and pride over openess and humility.  I am sure I had something to learn from you and am sad that I missed the opportunity.

Seeing Clearly through Broken Eyes

This morning my 8 year old brought me up short.  We were in the car, as usual, driving home after dropping the other two off at school when I got stuck behind a slow dump truck.  It was drizzly and the truck was nicely dropping dirt onto my car.  I complained under my breath and my son responded with, "Well, at least we're not walking!"

Wow.  Perspective switch.

I'm always amazed by my own tendency toward a negative perspective, a pessimistic view of life and all things in it.  I know that Christians should be full of joy and peace but after 24 years as a believer I still struggle daily with anxiety, frustration and depression.  I know I need a new perspective.

Jesus said it best in his Sermon on the Mount:
"The eye is the lamp of the body.  So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad,  your whole body will be full of darkness.  If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!" 

I can attest to bad eyes.  Without my glasses or contacts the whole world is fuzzy, formless and dark.  Nothing makes sense, I have to guess at what I'm seeing and fumble along.  Can the same thing be true of the eyes of my heart?  Jesus seemed to think so.

So what perspective should I take?  There are so many options!  But looking at the verse in the context of Jesus' sermon shows that the one He calls us to contains these things:

 - making him our only treasure
 - serving God as our only master
 - trusting him for all things and laying down anxiety
 - seeking first his kingdom

I will be the first to admit that I masterfully fail in all these areas on a daily basis.  I treasure comfort, I serve money, I'm anxious about everything and my own little kingdom tends to trump anyone else's.  So what do I do?  Will my eyes ever see clearly?  How do I cling to a new perspective?

"Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:25a)

"You will never be able to find steady joy in this life until you understand, submit to, and even embrace the fact that you are weak and sinful....  Zechariah 3 shows us a visual picture of the spiritual truth that we possess in Christ.  He paid the penalty for all our sin by dying on the cross, and now he wraps us moment by moment in the embrace of all his righteousness given to us.  He is everything that we need, not just for salvation but for every day of our lives.

So what does that mean for you and me from day to day?  It means that although we sin with every breath we take, at the same time in Christ we actually possess all the perfection we need to please God.  Jesus succeeded in every way that have failed, and although we fall wretchedly short of the obedience we need and desire, he has obeyed in our place and given us his goodness to replace our badness.  At the end of a day when I can look back and see the many specific times that I have sinned in weakness or in willful rebellion, I can also see Jesus obeying for me and giving me his perfect record in each of those specific areas.  There is no other way to survive my failure.  I have been rescued, my sins have been dealt with decisively on the cross, and now God sees me as he sees his own Son, as a perfect lawkeeper.  Isn't that delicious and extravagant grace?

Enjoy this doctrinal truth.  Immerse yourself in it; delight and frolic in it.  It is too wonderful to be believed, and yet is is absolutely true."

 (excerpts taken from "Extravagant Grace: God's Glory Displayed in Our Weakness" by Barbara R. Duguid)

 I can't do it!  But Christ has done it for me!  So I fix my eyes on him, preaching the Gospel to myself over and over and over, repenting over and over and over, each time remembering what he has accomplished for me and marveling in it!  In this is true joy.

Finding Hope in Reality not Expectation

It was Saturday morning and I was standing by the kitchen sink over a stack of dirty dishes as usual.  The rain was pouring down, washing the snow away, replacing it with mud and revealing all the leaves I didn't rake last fall.

My mind was busy as usual, thinking over my goals for 2014 and concocting plans and formulas to make it all work out the way I wanted.  Ways to work our budget, sell our house and end up in a bigger, nicer house with two fully functional vehicles.  Ways to finish homeschooling this year in a way that would ensure Nick would thrive back in the classroom next year.  Ways to travel somewhere warm and sunny this spring.  If I could just manipulate that, change this, make sure the other thing happened then everything would work.  I could finally be happy and at peace.

Then God came.

In His truth-filled yet gracious way He slapped me across the face.

"Christine, this is not your reality.  You will never find a perfect house in a perfect place.  You will never simply drop your kids off at school at 8 and pick them up at 3.  You will never take exotic vacations.  This is not the story I am writing for you."

The truth is, this is the story I want, the one I expected when I started this journey.  When I got married I always pictured us in a modest, nice house with a picket fence, enough space and two rust free cars in the garage.  As a young mom with three boys under 4, I imagined that wonderful day when I would drop them all off at school at 8, drive away with hours to myself and then pick them up at 3.  And to be honest, New England winters drive me to lust for sunshine and warmth come March...or maybe February.

Oh, the power of expectations.

The reality of my life is that my husband is a mental health therapist who will always work for a non-profit and we will most likely never be able to afford the house that I have in my mind.  My oldest son has Asperger's Syndrome and I will walk with him daily through the struggles of school and all things social.  And vacations to Florida are not in the budget right now.

I don't say that so anyone pities me.  I am not to be pitied.

God has given me a beautiful life.  It's not the one I expected but it's the one that's full of hope because God is writing it. 

Why am I so driven to place my hope in expectations instead of reality?

Expectations are easy, they don't need to be grounded in reality because they're "out there," somewhere in the future.  And I avoid reality because it feels so hard, it's a struggle and I don't want to walk it.  Accepting it means that I have to trust that God is working good in it even when it's hard. Trust is not easy.

But when expectations never come to fruition the result is disappointment, discouragement, and then resentment, against God and against those around me who stand in the way of my expectations becoming reality.  I fear that someday I will look back at my life and realize that I missed it because I was too busy trying to manipulate it into the life I expected.   

So for 2014 I am choosing to find my hope in my reality, in the story God is writing.

The one that contains an amazing husband who lovingly serves broken people day in and day out.  A story that has a special boy in it who I have the privilege of walking beside as he finds God's story for himself.  Two other joy-filled little men to enjoy and shepherd.  A house to sell and a budget that contains enough for what we need.  And large enough pools of afternoon sunshine in the living room where we all can pretend to be at the beach!

God is writing my story...and it's a good one.