I had that experience today. It wasn't very pleasant. In fact it gave me an upset stomach.
The fact is, God has been rooting up a lot of junk (sin) in my heart over the last couple years and as I look back on my life I see how those things impacted my life and my relationships...and it's not pretty.
There was a six to seven year season of life that forced a wince today. It began my senior year of college, ran through my first years of marriage and motherhood and infiltrated the years that we lived in Kentucky.
They were years full of fear and jealousy that were covered with pride and control.
For example, when my roommate got engaged before me, I couldn't celebrate with her. I wanted it to be me so I shunned her.
I screamed at my sister over the phone when she lived far away and I disagreed with one of her decisions, causing a deep rift for a long time.
I assumed leadership roles and thought I had something to give, never seeing that I had so much to learn.
But this is probably best seen in our trip to the Bahamas.
We were invited by some friends to travel with them to the Bahamas for a vacation when Nick was about 11 months old. Sounded awesome so we eagerly agreed. To be honest, I was jealous of these friends and their ability to travel and I was fearful that my lack of travel experience would show me lacking as a person so...I didn't ask some very important questions.
As a result we lost our luggage halfway there, missed a flight and on top of that our son spent the entire travel time throwing up on us as we tried to make our way through the Miami airport. Nick had been so sick that I panicked when we finally arrived and insisted on seeing a doctor and then calling her every few hours even though he simply had a rough tummy bug. I had so wanted these friends to like me and to think I was "cool" but I'm pretty sure they were happy to see us go at the end of our trip.
I was a jerk in that relationship. Jealousy and fear smothered in pride and control does not make a good friend or travel companion.
I know that God always has his purposes for the things in our lives but sometimes I wish I could go back and handle things differently. I wish I could see those experiences through different eyes, eyes of grace, love and humility. I wonder what I'll think when I look back to 2014 ten years from now? Scary thought!
It's such a beautiful thing that God never stops working in us, changing us, digging up the sin in our hearts so we don't stay where we are. And on top of that he gives us grace even while we are in the midst of the mess and blesses us. God is so good in the midst our failings and sin and when he opens our eyes to finally see them clearly. We still talk about that trip and dream of going there again, except next time we will ask lots of questions.
PS: If you knew me during those years, I'm sorry. Sorry that I chose fear and pride over openess and humility. I am sure I had something to learn from you and am sad that I missed the opportunity.
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