My mind was busy as usual, thinking over my goals for 2014 and concocting plans and formulas to make it all work out the way I wanted. Ways to work our budget, sell our house and end up in a bigger, nicer house with two fully functional vehicles. Ways to finish homeschooling this year in a way that would ensure Nick would thrive back in the classroom next year. Ways to travel somewhere warm and sunny this spring. If I could just manipulate that, change this, make sure the other thing happened then everything would work. I could finally be happy and at peace.
Then God came.
In His truth-filled yet gracious way He slapped me across the face.
"Christine, this is not your reality. You will never find a perfect house in a perfect place. You will never simply drop your kids off at school at 8 and pick them up at 3. You will never take exotic vacations. This is not the story I am writing for you."
The truth is, this is the story I want, the one I expected when I started this journey. When I got married I always pictured us in a modest, nice house with a picket fence, enough space and two rust free cars in the garage. As a young mom with three boys under 4, I imagined that wonderful day when I would drop them all off at school at 8, drive away with hours to myself and then pick them up at 3. And to be honest, New England winters drive me to lust for sunshine and warmth come March...or maybe February.
Oh, the power of expectations.
The reality of my life is that my husband is a mental health therapist who will always work for a non-profit and we will most likely never be able to afford the house that I have in my mind. My oldest son has Asperger's Syndrome and I will walk with him daily through the struggles of school and all things social. And vacations to Florida are not in the budget right now.
I don't say that so anyone pities me. I am not to be pitied.
God has given me a beautiful life. It's not the one I expected but it's the one that's full of hope because God is writing it.
Why am I so driven to place my hope in expectations instead of reality?
Expectations are easy, they don't need to be grounded in reality because they're "out there," somewhere in the future. And I avoid reality because it feels so hard, it's a struggle and I don't want to walk it. Accepting it means that I have to trust that God is working good in it even when it's hard. Trust is not easy.
But when expectations never come to fruition the result is disappointment, discouragement, and then resentment, against God and against those around me who stand in the way of my expectations becoming reality. I fear that someday I will look back at my life and realize that I missed it because I was too busy trying to manipulate it into the life I expected.
So for 2014 I am choosing to find my hope in my reality, in the story God is writing.
The one that contains an amazing husband who lovingly serves broken people day in and day out. A story that has a special boy in it who I have the privilege of walking beside as he finds God's story for himself. Two other joy-filled little men to enjoy and shepherd. A house to sell and a budget that contains enough for what we need. And large enough pools of afternoon sunshine in the living room where we all can pretend to be at the beach!
God is writing my story...and it's a good one.
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