Finding Hope in Reality not Expectation

It was Saturday morning and I was standing by the kitchen sink over a stack of dirty dishes as usual.  The rain was pouring down, washing the snow away, replacing it with mud and revealing all the leaves I didn't rake last fall.

My mind was busy as usual, thinking over my goals for 2014 and concocting plans and formulas to make it all work out the way I wanted.  Ways to work our budget, sell our house and end up in a bigger, nicer house with two fully functional vehicles.  Ways to finish homeschooling this year in a way that would ensure Nick would thrive back in the classroom next year.  Ways to travel somewhere warm and sunny this spring.  If I could just manipulate that, change this, make sure the other thing happened then everything would work.  I could finally be happy and at peace.

Then God came.

In His truth-filled yet gracious way He slapped me across the face.

"Christine, this is not your reality.  You will never find a perfect house in a perfect place.  You will never simply drop your kids off at school at 8 and pick them up at 3.  You will never take exotic vacations.  This is not the story I am writing for you."

The truth is, this is the story I want, the one I expected when I started this journey.  When I got married I always pictured us in a modest, nice house with a picket fence, enough space and two rust free cars in the garage.  As a young mom with three boys under 4, I imagined that wonderful day when I would drop them all off at school at 8, drive away with hours to myself and then pick them up at 3.  And to be honest, New England winters drive me to lust for sunshine and warmth come March...or maybe February.

Oh, the power of expectations.

The reality of my life is that my husband is a mental health therapist who will always work for a non-profit and we will most likely never be able to afford the house that I have in my mind.  My oldest son has Asperger's Syndrome and I will walk with him daily through the struggles of school and all things social.  And vacations to Florida are not in the budget right now.

I don't say that so anyone pities me.  I am not to be pitied.

God has given me a beautiful life.  It's not the one I expected but it's the one that's full of hope because God is writing it. 

Why am I so driven to place my hope in expectations instead of reality?

Expectations are easy, they don't need to be grounded in reality because they're "out there," somewhere in the future.  And I avoid reality because it feels so hard, it's a struggle and I don't want to walk it.  Accepting it means that I have to trust that God is working good in it even when it's hard. Trust is not easy.

But when expectations never come to fruition the result is disappointment, discouragement, and then resentment, against God and against those around me who stand in the way of my expectations becoming reality.  I fear that someday I will look back at my life and realize that I missed it because I was too busy trying to manipulate it into the life I expected.   

So for 2014 I am choosing to find my hope in my reality, in the story God is writing.

The one that contains an amazing husband who lovingly serves broken people day in and day out.  A story that has a special boy in it who I have the privilege of walking beside as he finds God's story for himself.  Two other joy-filled little men to enjoy and shepherd.  A house to sell and a budget that contains enough for what we need.  And large enough pools of afternoon sunshine in the living room where we all can pretend to be at the beach!

God is writing my story...and it's a good one.

 

Turning 7

Hi friends,

Nick turned 7 today and for some reason it really struck me. Maybe because 7 sounds so much "bigger" to me than 6. Maybe because he is so much bigger than the 4 lbs. 8 oz. he was when I first met him face to face. Maybe it's because he's has freckles across his nose just like I did when I was 7. Maybe it's because I worried so much when he was baby and now he's slowly making his way in the world. Maybe it's because I struggled so much in my relationship with him and now we've reached a beautiful place. Maybe it's simply because it's going so fast. I know everyone warned me that this would happen but in the craziness of three little boys and the chaos of life I don't think I really believed them. In fact, I couldn't wait for this day! My kids are all potty-trained, sleeping through the night and eating on their own - glorious day! And it is - I'm in a new season, not longing for the old one but wanting more desperately not to miss this one. I long to thrive and not just survive.

My boys spent most of their day running around the house with water guns, making mud and riding bikes. To be totally honest, I sat on my porch and shed tears. It was one of those days when you get a glimpse of how absolutely blessed you are and you are undone by the thought. Motherhood is so messy but it is glorious because God is here. He loved me first, I am His child. And now that I have my own children He is present in the mess, the exhaustion, the laundry, the plugged toilets, the birthdays, the laughter and the children's arms around my neck. Over the past 7 years I have felt close to Him and I have felt far but the truth is that He is always right here, filling my home and my life.

I am blessed beyond measure, overflowing.

(A song that I have been starting my day with - love it!! 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman)

What Is Going On?: The Beauty of God's Story

So my life has been a little crazy lately.

In most ways it's been the usual craziness but there's been added elements that have had me looking at the sky going, "God, what are You doing?" And I can just picture Him in heaven shaking His head and chuckling at me.

"Oh Christine, if you only knew it would knock your socks off. I am intricately working all of these stories together into my perfect big story. I know from your perspective it looks like a mess but from up here, it's beautiful!"

And I wonder, if I tried to figure it out or tried to manipulate it all to the outcome I think would be best, would it be? Or what if I thought I knew what was coming and then missed what actually came?

Because I do that. I'm just like Jesus' disciples. Walking into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday thinking that Jesus is going to kick Roman butt and I'm going to rule beside Him only to find myself running and hiding on Friday as my King is crucified and I am totally confused.

They had their own ideas about God's plans and at times I do too. And it can blind me to what He is actually doing. The disciples witnessed the pinnacle of human history, the centerpiece of the Story and most of them missed it out of fear and confusion.

I have to ask myself, am I listening? Am I living open handed, ready to do as He wills or am I clinging tightly to my plan, trying to make it work?

He's right. I don't always see it. From down here it looks like a huge mess at times. And it leaves me shaking my head and chuckling. "Oh Lord, what are You up to now?" I really have no other choice but to trust Him and keep walking and wait for the surprise. He is the great Story Writer after all.

Great Kids Books

Every Christmas Andy and I try to get each of our kids a book. But not just any book. We really want to find one that has meaning and longevity, something that our kids will remember and we can someday pass down to our grandchildren. This usually proves to be quite a difficult task. My mom has already given my kids all the great Robert McCloskey books and we haven't quite reached the Chronicles of Narnia level.

But this past Christmas I hit the jackpot. I found these:








They are well written stories that teach awesome doctrinal truths. Each book has stimulated great conversation in our house with our three sons (ages 7, 5, 3) who love the stories and illustrations. Check them out! (R.C. Sproul has other kids books as well and more on the way....yay! I'm all set for Christmas this year too!)

If you click on the books it should link you to Amazon. I ordered my from the Westminster Seminary bookstore (wtsbooks.com) which is another great resource for good books.